im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
