You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
