i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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