god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
