it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
