shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
