Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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