Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
