we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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