i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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