I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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