the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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