i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize