im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
