Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
