If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
