All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you had me at cake vodka
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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