i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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