I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
