My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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