Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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