sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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