Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
