my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
