im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
