Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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