and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's like iHOP with fire
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
