Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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