Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
