he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's shark week go big or go home
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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