I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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