the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
