I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
