why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
