Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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