the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
