I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
