so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
