i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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