Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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