I'm really into asian looking animals
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
