I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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