soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
