yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
