Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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