saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
