I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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