i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
