Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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