I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I want you more than these girls want KFC
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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