I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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