That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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