Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
