Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
