I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
